20 April 2011- Move On

I’ve quit my first job in Trans-Dist Engineering. I found a second one in KL, a multinational firm that i always wish to join. It’s true that you have to becareful of what you wish for because you might just get it. I always wish that i could move out from house and live as an independent soul. Now, i have the chance a move out, a good opportunity and a good reason to move out from house, but i feel reluctant to do so. I love my home, my own space and my freedom at home. Staying in dear’s place really bring me a lot of worries. After seeing what happened to my fellow sisters with their Boyfriends, I’m afraid that i’m going through the same path again. I don’t want to risk it as i treasure the relationship between me and my dear.

Oh god, what should i do? To buy a car or rent a place to live on my own? Can i really take the pressure to stuck in jam for hour, or i can stand being lonely in a new place. Why can’t things become perfect for me? Well, things never perfect for me.  For now, i need to stay in Jason’s house temporarily from Mon to Thursday then go back home on Friday. Then Sunday move back to Jason’s place again. I would miss my bed and everything here, i’m a home sick person, I really wish that i can stay in my house. I guess I have to accept the change in my life from now onwards.

God, please give me a heart that can accept the change in life, please keep my heart open to accept what may comes to my life, bless me and my mum and Jason’s family. Let us stay happily together like this forever. Don’t bring in conflicts to our life. God bless!!

20 Dec 2010

Finally, I’m graduated from Limkokwing University. I’m going into another phase of life now, feeling scare and excited. Hopefully, everything will be fine and al-right.
After being a star in one day, i totally feel like a dead fish now. So tiring! But, i really enjoyed it. Feel so happy seeing friends and family came to congratulate me. After i went back home, everything seems to return to normal. The fame doesn’t last and they still don’t care.

I’m glad that i’ve finished my part as a student and as a responsible daughter to complete her study with first class honors and an excellent award. Who else in this world can do this in such circumstances. I’m kind of FREE now. I start to smell freedom from my skin.

Never forget my dreams, i have to work harder and better to get as much as $$ as possible. I want to have my own place to stay, i want my own space. I really hope i can make my dreams come true. Here is my dream list:
1. I want to have a Honda car
2. I want my own house, own space!
3. I want to have a beautiful kitchen, a kitchen that i always use to cook for friends and family
4. I want to be a good cook that always cook delicious food for everyone

Marry is definitely not in my dream list. I never want to get marry so fast. I’m enjoying my single life and i want it to be longer still. I really love freedom that i have.

i feel that my heart is really cool. It is seal with ice, thin ice. I barely can feel the love from ppl, even if i did, it just last for a while. How sad, what happen to my poor heart? It must have been get hurt too much until it needs to be seal with ice. Hopefully, there is someone who can help me to break the ice and let me feel love more and longer again.

What Keat Ming said is right, i shouldn’t give a shit to what those who don care me. I should live my own life happily.

This house has a bad aura, the aura that always make me feel sucks. I will move out one day, it’s coming soon.

I’m really hungry. I always feel hungry. It’s good to feel hungry coz when i feel full, i feel happy. I feel like i haven;t eat since long time. I really hungry for food and love.

14th December 2010

I start to hate this family. I feel that they don’t appreciate me, they don’t like me, they don’t support me, they don’t care me.

When i reached home, the first thing i always hear is my mum talking on the phone loudly, for hours. I really feel that she is very noisy and irritating. But what can i do to stop her?

The hateful feeling that i have in heart is all coming out from the loneliness. I have no one in the house to share my feelings.  I have no one in the house care for me. Once, Joe and SP asked me, wouldn’t I feel bad for leaving my mum alone in the house if i move out. I was wondering, what’s the different between now and then? I am the one who has always been left out in the family. Everyone is leaving in their own life, my sisters and bro.. There’s only me still staying in this pathetic home. A home with no love, no care, nothing.

Sometimes i will wonder, did my mum really love me? How can she so not concern about me? Why she can talk on the phone for hours but cannot talk to me the same way she talked to her friends? Am i really worse than being her friends?

All of these things happen because of we are lack of communication. I dont remember the last time i really talk to her. She always use me to do something for her. She trained us to be independent but now, she is the one who always wan me to do stuffs that she can do herself. I really feel sad for her. Used her children and husband for her own pride. She never learn to love someone. She love herself only. An an is only a tool for her to get money from dad.

16 Nov 2010

I’m having my final exam this week. I’ve just finished two subjects but there are still two more to go. I have a complicated feeling now- feel scare and excited at the same time. Feel excited to leave study life but scare to enter another stage of life-working. I always look forward to this day when i was young because i know that will be a day i get my freedom and i can feel free to so anything i want.

I’m not sure who i am currently. I feel that i’m changing, to another person. I used to be a coward, low confident but caring and loving person. But now, i’ve became impatient, jealous, and still low confident. The reason why i got so angry with him that day, i guess is because of my low confidence. I dont think  i am better than them, i donn feel good any girls get close to him. I want him to be just mine. Yeah, i’ve started to become selfish too.

I need to get over to this fast. If i go deeper, i’ll become someone terrible. Stopping for a while to think, why and how i become like this. Is it really He “manja” me too much or my heart is already ask for more? I seriously think that he is a super nice guy. Sometimes, i’ll think what is his motive to treat me so well? My thought is scary somehow. I think i’ve evolved from a guy to a girl. I’m no longer the last time me. I’ve becoming a real girl that struggle with the guy thinking.

These negative thinking has to go. Otherwise, i’ll be in danger. But how can i get rid of it? I should feel that i’m the luckiest person in the world. I have a loving mother, sister, wonderful bf and his family love me too. Why can i feel like that? I feel that my mum and sister start to ignore me, i feel that i don really love my bf, i start to think that his family is evil. What the hell is wrong with me? I know what i have is really good and is enough but why i can feel this way?

I think there are evils living within myself. Or else, I have double personalities. A Mental problem that break me into two parts. The good me and the evil me. Is everyone the same like me? I wish God can tell me, i can;t hear God voice anymore. I’m trying to listen hard, not even a whisper i heard.

 

8th Nov-EMO

I used to wonder why some people are so EMO and creates so much problems that irritates others. Now i understand it deeply as i experienced it. The feeling is very evil, it can turn an angle into an evil. When i am EMO, i’ve done so much evil stuffs. I hated people, i scolded people and i just do stuffs that i wouldn’t do normally.

Luckily, i have some friends that could gave me advices. I really don’t know whether i’m too sensitive or i am someone that has no good heart. I really do not like his parents despite he said how much they love me. I just feel that if they really love me, i would definitely feel it deep into my heart. I just don’t feel it. And, i start to see them like my problematic parents. His parents are really diff than mine. Mine is really problematic and abnormal, i really don need another one like that.

I really looking forward to meet someone who has a ‘normal’ and ordinary family. Mayb i don deserve to have one in my life, that’s why God will never give me one. I know Nikki is a very nice person but she is not the one that i am looking for. I don have much faith like her, i couldn’t bear to pause my conversation everytime when her friendssss pass by. Did she really treat me as a close friend or she just want to involve me in the God’s things?

I guess i’m just not the God’s person. I don’t really believe in that either. I don’t deserve to have such life. There’s nothing wrong that i’ve done. I work so hard until today, but what i have in heart is really near to nothing. I have more and more hatrress and discontent in my heart. I envy alot of people in my life. There are some moments that i want to steal their life for myself.

I’m really a sad person. Pathetic. Living till now, expecting for some Cinderella outcomes in life, hoping someone can change my life, save me out from this blue circle. Now, when i look back, it seems like i’m the one who is holding the blue ring, unwilling to come out. I’ve seen things worse, it’s getting very worse. I do not want to be like that, i do not wan to live in this way. I really wan to get out from this.

It’s really sad to know that no one can help myself. I’m back to the beginning again, it’s a cycle. I want to leave this family, this love, this life. I totally understand why the fellow commit suicide last saturday. Mustaffa, this is not a destiny. It’s all because of he knows no one else can help him anymore. So do i! But i never choose to give up, i choose to fight hard because i always hope for something after battle. Too bad, the result is often awful.

I can’t live like a normal person anymore. At least not for now. I will keep on fighting until i think that it’s enough. If i really gone one day, pls do not say that i am stupid because i’ve tried my best to help myself. I did tell out my intention, but u guys never realize and care about it.

After all, i just wan a happy, healthy and peaceful life. I know i can find it after life..

1 October 2010

It has been a long time i never write my electronic diary. I’m so down these days, i guess i have my emo time too. We just had a big fight the other day, i almost want to break up with him. I just can’t stand his bad habits anymore. it has reached my limits. But i know deeply inside of me, i still love him alot.

There are so many things happen these days. I really don know how to handle it besides pretending to be strong. the bad feelings come back again, it’s haunting me. it made me feels that that i’m sucks, i’m bad, i’m evil and i’m a nothing. I really hope God can take me with him. I feel so lonely here.

Why the hell you want to show me that fucking sms from dad’s phone. I’ve been lying to myself that my dad is working out there for us, why u wan to break my hope. Yes, i pretend to be cool, the fact is i really cant take it!

Darling, i beg u a million times, dont do it anymore. It really irritates me and i really don feel happy with u anymore because of ur bad habits.

God, can i have a breaktime in my life? send me to somewhere that it has only peace.. I’m so frustrated, discontent, unhappy now.. I need some peace to clear out my mind. i want to be a happy person. Pls show me the way.. I’m tired if everything, i hate evrything. i can just give up everything now.

I’m in pain a way more than you can imagine. I really don like myself at all. i lost myself again. I guess i never love myself.. I never found myself in me.. I hate you!

28th March 2010

I MISS DEAR ALOT ALOT… That’s what i wan to express to him. I hope he knows how much i missing him now. I really do not have the heart to do assignments anymore because of him. All i got in my mind is all about him.

When he’s not here, i would suffer from ‘missing syndrome’. My missing syndrome includes no appetite to eat, no mood to go class, not motivated to do works, etc.. Is that all about? He is my everything now? What if he is not with me anymore? My world will end n collapse? Oh no.. I felt in love with him too much.. Is that all i want all the time? I dont know but i kind of enjoy it. I Love him.. Even charming six packs German or God damn rich China man also not better than my little chubby rabbit.. haha.. I love you alot my dear, love you with all my heart. U r my everything now and i will love you forever until i lie down in my grave. Pls allow me to hold your hand to walk the rest of our life together. Hope you have a safe journey in Shanghai honey.